regrets & mistakes
We often hear from sociologists & anthropologists on the differences between shame & guilt cultures. And as many children of so-called mixed marriages, I was raised by a parent from either side of that rather curious divide. Do I obsessively stew and mull over shortcomings, or rather seek out a scolding from another tight-assed convention enforcer? How about both! Perhaps there is a more carefree approach.
This then is a sort of paradigm, through which we can view other human stuff.
Viewing on a more individual level then. Life can be lived fully, with verve and laziness and laughter. And shit and pain. And all that human stuff. You can live with regrets or you can live with mistakes. Yes? Sort of like false positives vs. false negatives in testing.
Some would hold that their few regrets are almost entirely for things they didn't do.
Some choose to live with mistakes, and no regrets ever.
For the definition-conscious amongst us, a distinction. Regrets result in wishing one had taken an action. A mistake is the result of an action taken.
Or perhaps a regret is wishing that on had or had not taken an action. "Like if I got whacked on PCP and ate my friend's face off, I would probably regret that action." Umm, yeah. So yes, some mistakes may be regrettable.
Do you live with regrets or mistakes? Which path creates the life most lived?
[snippets inspired from a conversation]
This then is a sort of paradigm, through which we can view other human stuff.
Viewing on a more individual level then. Life can be lived fully, with verve and laziness and laughter. And shit and pain. And all that human stuff. You can live with regrets or you can live with mistakes. Yes? Sort of like false positives vs. false negatives in testing.
Some would hold that their few regrets are almost entirely for things they didn't do.
Some choose to live with mistakes, and no regrets ever.
For the definition-conscious amongst us, a distinction. Regrets result in wishing one had taken an action. A mistake is the result of an action taken.
Or perhaps a regret is wishing that on had or had not taken an action. "Like if I got whacked on PCP and ate my friend's face off, I would probably regret that action." Umm, yeah. So yes, some mistakes may be regrettable.
Do you live with regrets or mistakes? Which path creates the life most lived?
[snippets inspired from a conversation]
6 Comments on "regrets & mistakes":
Neat distinction.
I had no regrets when I was young. Not one regret. Zero regrets. I took every action, tried everything, (almost) never said "no" to anyone or anything.
No regrets - and lots of mistakes. Hell, when I was young, my entire life was a big, loooooong series of extended mistakes.
Bit by bit, as I grew older, I started learning from my mistakes.
Now, in elder years, I've learned from my mistakes. I (almost) never say "yes" to anyone or anything. I've become conservative and set in my ways. Naturally - my ways are right (for me). I've made (more than) my share of mistakes - and learned from them.
Does that mean I regret anything now? Nope. Made my mistakes already. There's only so many times one can repeat mistakes prior to recognizing it - that they're mistakes.
To make this clear in relation to Carolyn's distinction, I need to modify her definitions slightly.
Mistakes result from believed-to-be wrong acting and regrets result from believed-to-be wrong failing to act.
So: mistakes and regrets still are about acting and not acting - but on this definition, they share believed wrongness in common.
Far as I'm concerned, that's the answer.
When we're young we confident what the world's like. And we've got little confidence, as yet, who to be in relation to the world. We're still asking what the world's like and who we ought to be. That's (not only) what it is to be young.
Consequently, it may well seem to the young like it's damned if you do and damned if you don't. Take action and make mistakes. Avoid taking action and have regrets. But: that's only for so long as the action (or lack of action) is believed potentially wrong.
As we grow (i.e., older), we become confident about the ways of the world. And we become confident in where we stand - who we are in relation to the world. We've experienced the world and are familiar with it - regardless circumstance, we've chosen who to be and what we're about.
Once we've grown (i.e., old), we don't believe our actions or inactions wrong. Why should we? We've experienced circumstances. We under-stand (stand under) our guiding principles. And since we don't believe our actions or inactions wrong, we can't be mistaken or regretful. Right? There's no regret if it was right to not do. And there's no mistake if it was done right.
So I know I have made mistakes, and I am comfortable with most of them. I had spent alot of time when I was youger making the statement that I do not regret anything because it was the choice I wanted to make at the time.
But what about those one or two actions that you do not support? That you don't know why you made that choice that you realized that you didn't think things through properly and now you wish you could change that action. Does that not get defined as regret?
By the definition provided regret must involve inaction.
How do we define the mistakes we want to change the mistakes that are harder to live with?
I think the difference between mistakes and regrets is related to opportunity cost. Inaction is never an option: instead, one has to choose between potential actions. Clearly, the future value of any of a spectrum of actions is unknown to some degree. As time passes, the value of the action taken always becomes clearer but what would have been the values of the actions thereby not taken only sometimes become more clear.
This means that there are some cases in which the value of the action taken resolves to a low value and the value of another action not taken resolves to a high value. Then we consider the action a mistake. On other occasions, the action taken resolves to a low value and the value of another action remains uncertain but potentially high. Then we regret not taking the other action.
How then might we avoid regrets and mistakes? The first step is to avoid choosing actions whose value is likely to be low (if one devotes one's life to watching television it will come as no surprise to find this was a mistake and be overcome with regrets, whereas a life filled with worthwhile - even if not the most worthwhile - endeavours will in retrospect seem valuable). After that, one must come to know and understand one's self, one's society and the physical world so that the uncertainty in all choices is reduced. But this is all, of course, obvious.
Glassfaery objected that "By the definition provided regret must involve inaction." And asked: "How do we define the mistakes we want to change, the mistakes that are harder to live with?"
So: don't we regret our mistakes? Don't we regret acting wrongly?
Alright, I'll modify my definition. I defined 'regret' as "believed-to-be wrong failing to act."
Modification: 'regret' is "concluding one failed to act as one should have." And 'mistakes', then, would be "concluding one acted as one should not have."
How's that? On modified definition, we may regret failing to act - as well as failing to act rightly.
Note that one interpretation of not acting rightly is equivalent to acting not rightly. That is, one could interpret 'regrets' and 'mistakes' as pretty much the same thing. What's the diff between doing the wrong thing and not doing the right thing? 6 o' one and half-dozen the other.
And that was my point, really. Nevermind do or don't do. Do the right thing and don't do the wrong thing. Do right. Do no wrong. It's a mistake to do otherwise - and, regardless of outcome, you'll regret it if you don't.
Hmmm. Rich defined 'regrets' and 'mistakes' totally differently. He used an economic definition.
The way he sees it, 'mistakes' are "cases in which the value of the action taken resolves to a low value and the value of another action not taken resolves to a high value." And 'regrets' are cases in which the action taken resolves to a low value and the value of another action remains uncertain but potentially high."
Just so everyone can see it too (i.e., to be clear), let's substitute "value" with "outcome". What he's basically saying is it takes time for the outcome of our actions to come out and happen. Then, after it happens, if that outcome is (relatively) poor for instance, we regret it.
That's totally different from my definition - which truly was about values. On my definition, for instance, we regret not doing the right thing - regardless of outcome.
Here's a couple'a graphic examples how huge a difference it makes which definition you goes by.
First, imagine you're a gambler. You're standing at the roulette table. You've just had a run of 9 black outcomes and now have about half a million in chips. And you say to yourself, "This is it.. last time." And you let it ride again on black. One more time and you're set for life.
If you go by Rich's definition, what you'll wind up regretting is if the outcome is red. You'll keep on gambling, though - sure bet. If you go by my definition, otoh, what you'll wind up regretting is getting drunk and letting your "friends" talk you into gambling in the first place.
Second example. You murder someone. And you never experience Rich's kind'a regret because you never get caught. The outcome's just peachy. But you don't sleep any more. You go to hell in a handbasket and wind up killing yourself too. Because you dimly realize you believe murder's the wrongest wrong. And, however dim that realizing is, you can't get away from it. It never goes away. However dim your realizing, it's unavoidable. Your conscience drives you nuts, around the bend and down a bottomless hole there's no getting out of.
On my definition, outcomes don't (directly) matter. If you believe only losers gamble (i.e., nothing belongs to a gambler since it's all on the next roll), then, if you gamble, you'll feel like a loser regardless of outcome. If you believe murder's the wrongest wrong - and you very likely do believe it - then don't do it. Nevermind can you handle doing the time. Can you handle knowing, however dimly, that you're forever damned?
On my definition, try to do no wrong - regardless of outcome - or you'll regret it. Values are like that. Principles are like that.
And the trouble (not only) with economic definitions is that they try to talk about values in terms of circumstantial event outcomes. From talking with a few economists, I got the sense they suspect they're generating confusion. I wonder if they regret it?
Yikes. My brain doesn't function on such a high level of activity. I regret not exercising my brain more in my youth.
Hi Carolyn, it's Patricia Storms, that gal you chatted with briefly at Amy's get-together last weekend (the one who mentioned the Wharfian Hypothesis).Just thought I'd say hi.
I don't think one can go through life without experiencing both regrets and mistakes. Hopefully as we age we learn from past regrets and mistakes, and thus do not repeat them.
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